What if? (Contains mature content)

Preface to this post:  

To the best of my recollection, I have never been sexually assaulted.  Harassed, yes, but not assaulted.  I say "to the best of my recollection", because there is a memory that hangs at the fringes, but it is more feelings than details, and doesn't really evoke trauma, so I Iet it be.
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I did not watch the Kavanaugh hearing yesterday, nor replays of it after my day of working with children in my school library.  I've become quite pessimistic about any change for the better under this current administration, and didn't want to ruin my upcoming family weekend with another act from this political circus.

Facebook commentaries in my newsfeed didn't allow for complete avoidance of the topic, however, and I felt drawn to read several, including those made by friends and family.

I have questions for those who decided to weigh in on the Kavanaugh hearings:

What if it was me on that stand, Christine Szeredy Margocs instead of Christine Blasey Ford?  What if I had been the one pinned down at a party, screaming behind a hand over my mouth?

What if I had kept that information in my closest circles for decades, still ashamed that somehow I had "asked for it", until I realized "Oh, shit, this joker is now going to have a lot of influence over EVERYONE's lives, not just mine."

Would you believe me, or would you question my memories?  

If you did believe me, would you support my decision to come forward, or would you tell me the past is past, just shut up and put up, your trauma is worth less than what this man can do for our country?
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There are those that argue that we all have skeletons in our closets.  I believe we do.  But I know several men whose histories do not involve pinning down women against their will, laughing as they screamed.  It is time we stop allowing such actions to fall under the argument "boys will be boys".  What Dr. Ford experienced was an act of power, domination, and aggression, not a silly prank.

If you aren't a victim, and this makes you feel uncomfortable--good.  If it makes you question some of the actions of your adolescence and young adulthood--good.  Maybe some soul-searching and heartfelt apologies are in order for the ones you may have harmed.

If you are a victim, and this ongoing topic is dredging up traumatic memories--I am so sorry.  My friends have shared heartbreaking stories since the #MeToo movement began. I believe you. I can only hope and pray that your stories help educate others and embolden those who are in a place to make changes for the better do so...like Dr. Ford.

Tuesday Slice: Breathing in the moonlight

Nine-thirty, my intended bedtime.  I change into pajamas, but head to my computer instead of bed, already behind in my Spanish lessons.  Whispering translated sentences using tenía and quería, I complete the quiz and start down the hallway to bed.

Then pause.  The full moon!  I forgot to go outside and take a peek! Looking through the windows, I can see moonlight streaming around the edges of our huge backyard oak, but can't see the old man himself.  I decide to put on my slippers, grab the camera, and head for the backyard.

And there it is, high in the sky.  The Harvest Moon, shining brightly in these first nights of autumn.

My husband joins me for a few moments.  I hear him taking deep breaths of the cooler night air, and I do the same.  Mindful of the time, we head back indoors.  Peaceful sleep awaits.

Tuesday Slice: Passing the test

Thin gray clouds scattered the light of the dawning sun as we gathered on the Mediterranean beach.  It was summer, but the heat of the day was hours away.  I felt awkward, the only child in a class of teenagers and adults clad in swimsuits and flippers, masks and snorkels.

Our instructions were to swim out into the sea to view a sunken vessel, sightsee a bit, then return to the beach.  We plunged into the water and started our PADI skindiving final test.

The pool at the military base where we practiced in the evenings felt like a bath, water heated all day by the sun.  The sea was colder; I felt the chill seep into my bones as I made my way towards the wreckage, swimming a little harder in hopes of warming up my muscles.

Then I felt the seaweed.  Long, slimy tendrils wrapped around my short nine-year-old legs.  I could kick and wriggle free, only to meet up with another patch in a few strokes.  The effort was exhausting.  I was falling far behind the other swimmers, accompanied only by an instructor.  Unable to swim consistently, my body succumbed to the cold, teeth chattering behind blue lips.

The instructor turned me around, and we headed back to shore.  I had swum far enough out to pass the swimming test (or so they said).  Having mastered the written test, I had earned my PADI skindiving license.

Tuesday slice: Thoughts on the Autumn equinox

Ripening

by Chris Margocs

To sprout, one must realize

That you cannot be attached to form

Form will change, must change

For the seed to sprout, grow, bear fruit

Letting go of form is only terrifying

If one forgets that we always return to the seed

Whether the fruit ripens and is eaten,

or spoils on the ground

The seed remains, can be interred

once more in the dark womb of Our Mother

To sprout and grow once more towards the sun.

We are safe, always, in Our Mother's lap.

SoulCollage© card by Chris Margocs.

Tuesday Slice: Six years

The fifth graders arrived at the library door at the same time as the kindergarten class.  For the second week in a row, the elder students would accompany the five year olds into the Book Nook for a read-aloud, then on to the Everybody Fiction shelves to help wield shelf markers correctly and scan their books for checkout.

Welcoming these big and little bodies into the Book Nook, I took a moment to acknowledge this act of service by the fifth grade.  I also informed the kindergarteners that when I was a brand new librarian, those fifth graders were in kindergarten.  Looking up at the big kids in the back, I told them that we had grown up together, students and librarian, learning so much along the way.

They applauded, and my heart swelled.  

May year six be the best year yet.  

Tuesday Slice: What do you do?

What do you do when life gets messy?

When tasks go unfinished, and work days run late?

Clean underwear runs low, and gifts go unbought,

When appliances break, and exhaustion sets in?

Things that don't help:

Zoning out on bubbleshooter online games

Retail therapy beyond one's means

Bingeing on carbs

Falling asleep on the couch

Complaining for an hour

Things that do help:

A soak in the tub with Epsom salts

A healthy meal

Drinking lots of water

Buying a reminder to breathe from a talented friend

Standing barefoot in the grass under an old oak tree, glass of wine in hand, breathing in the gusting breezes while gazing up at the full moon in Pisces.

There.  That helps.  Just...breathe.

Text and pictures by Christine Margocs, ©2018. All rights reserved.

Tuesday Slice: I can't be exhausted already...can I?

I awaken, bleary-eyed, fully aware that I am in need of another hour of sleep.  Stumbling to the kitchen, I manage to make a small pot of coffee and empty the dishwasher without breaking anything.  As the coffee brews, I make my way to the study to meditate.  I choose a two-minute session, worried that anything longer will have me sleeping in my desk chair.

It is the fourth day of school for our students, and the first day they will come to the library for orientation and checkout.  Fourteen classes of kindergarteners through third graders, with fifth and fourth helping our youngest learn how to wield a shelf marker and computer scanner.  Tomorrow there will be eighteen classes, then thirteen, then a final fifteen.

I need to be awake and energetic, so I can be warm and welcoming for my students' first visit of the year.  So why do I feel exhausted (besides just the obvious lack of sleep)?  As I head back to the kitchen to get my coffee (sweet nectar of the gods!), I pass the wall calendar.  A quick glance reminds me that I have been at work a solid three weeks already.  Weeks filled with professional development sessions, meetings, and collaboration.  Days filled with cataloging, distributing teacher materials, scheduling, answering emails, problem-solving, planning, straightening out library furniture, making ID badges.  Ten- and eleven-hour workdays--and all before we've seen a single student for checkout.

I am excited to finally see classes today...and I'll be equally excited to see my pillow tonight.  Until then, may the caffeine work its magic.