"I'm having a hard time leaving my baby at daycare," she confided to those of us sitting at a table as the staff meeting wrapped up.
"Oh, the experiences we go through with that first child," another remarked. "It gets easier with the second."
"I never really felt that," I said, absently. "Maybe because we didn't do full-time daycare..." My thoughts wandered off, an odd feeling in my chest. Why didn't I feel too bad the day we dropped our firstborn off at Mother's Day Out? Was I out of touch, lacking connection with my daughter?
Later that night, the answer hit me with a punch to my gut, radiating to my heart.
I didn't have separation anxiety dropping my daughter off at preschool because a) she didn't have any problem with it, and b) I was forced to allow others to take care of her from the moment she was born.
When you're a preemie parent, you are thrust into a situation where other people have control of your child's care. There was no choice in the matter; my twenty-six weeker would die without medical intervention. And so you take what they can give you--the momentary touch in the transport isolette, the polaroid photo before the ambulance leaves--as a tenuous connection while recovering from the physically exhausting act of childbirth.
I called my husband from my hospital bed at two o'clock the next morning, sobbing because I knew the woman in the room next to mine would get to take her crying baby home, and I wouldn't. I was on the phone to my doctor's office when it opened at eight, arranging my release so I could go home, clean up, and see my baby.
And for the next sixty-five days, I would leave her again, and again, and again. I do know something about separation anxiety, after all.
65 days! Having a preemie is a traumatic experience. I can't imagine. They say those first days of connection are important, skin to skin contact. I'm sure the separation has had lasting effects on you and your daughter. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI was able to hold her at 3 wks, and we implemented kangaroo care not long after that. She was a healthy preemie, and was spoiled by her nurses--but she is an old soul, and very independent. Can't help but wonder what those early experiences etched upon her mind and soul.
DeleteMaybe another truth in both the conversation and your reflections is that motherhood is personal. Moms can share experiences about what happened to them and their emotional responses, but it doesn't mean that's how it will be for the next person.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, to Margaret's comment about having a preemie!
So true, Melanie, even among preemie parents! It's all so relative; we were lucky that she was our firstborn, and I didn't have other children to care for at the time. Many of our "neighbors" did, and I felt for them.
DeleteThe beauty in this Slice is the simple message that we all walk different paths, even when we are on the same journey. Motherhood (parenthood) looks and feels different, for each parent and with each kid....and even with each new year or even moment. Thank you for this Slice.
ReplyDeleteDifferent paths, and unchosen ones at that, Amy. This was the beginning of learning from children, not just about children.
DeleteSo much strength in this post. It's amazing how we somehow endure such trauma and then forget to give ourselves credit.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Vivian. Now I'm wondering if I should explore this more in a therapeutic setting, or just let it sit in memory...
DeleteI think your analysis is quite profound and your reflection, both sad and wonderful. You and your child walked a specific journey of preemies and at the time, you just learned to survive. For most moms, that seems to be the way we roll.....when we stop and have time to reflect we can see our journey, through the rear view window.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that affirmation..."the way we roll". Yes, when faced when circumstances beyond our control. It was my first experience with total surrender, I think.
DeleteThis is so poignant, Chris. I can imagine that those days of endurance seemed infinite - I can sense how terribly draining they wer, and how your heart craved
ReplyDeleteyour baby. I am also amazed by medical intervention for preemies, in that there are certain things that must be done depending on how early a baby arrives. A standard treatment protocol - in fact, I have had a post sitting awhile with a link to an article. I'd planned to to it to intervention work at school. I haven't gotten very far with this. Your post, however - ultimately it is a story of triumph. You and your grown-up girl are here to tell it. So powerful!
So many of those protocols were still new in the early 90s; we learned that the surfactant that was injected into our daughter's lungs had only been in approved use for three years before she was born. She had a progressive neonatologist who believed in getting his babies breathing on their own as soon as possible, breast milk as nutrition as much as possible, and kangaroo care. There was a social worker on staff to help us navigate that time in our lives, too. As a volunteer in the NICU pre-COVID, I saw even more advances...amazing, the medical education one gets when "living" in that environment for a prolonged period!
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