In May, when folks asked about my summer plans, I replied that my focus was going to be on getting my son through jaw surgery and helping with his preparation for college.
As my summer is winding down, I'm reflecting on where the days have gone. I now realize the focus has been on food. Too much for me, too little for him; every day, walking the tightrope between concern and nagging, service and encouraging independence. Avoiding eating his favorite foods in front of him out of sympathy, but then crunching away at handfuls of chips when he's out of sight, swallowing my own worries and frustration with each salty mouthful.
I'm slowly regaining control of my eating habits, forcing myself to acknowledge what I'm feeling as I'm standing in front of the refrigerator or pantry, deciding if it's really hunger or avoidance of tasks and worrisome thinking.
But for our son, now dealing with having wired-shut jaws for two weeks after a second round of surgery, it feels like a loss of control. He was just back to eating small bits of "real" food (he isn't allowed to chew for months) when his oral surgeon decided that the jaw placement needed adjustment, and that wiring was necessary for proper healing. Our son was angry, but signed the papers and submitted to the procedure. Nothing but liquids for two weeks. The most calorie dense concoction I can come up with is a mixture of frozen custard, protein shake, and protein powder whirred together in my mini-blender. He likes it, but his shrunken stomach can only take so much at a time, in a day. A diet of chocolate shakes sounds wonderful until it is all you are eating.
We saw ninety-four on the scale yesterday. I pray it doesn't get any lower.